A Virgin Father
by sparozina
Summary: An alternate reality in which the IVF worked and Mulder is a virgin, faced with suppressed memories of abuse coming to surface.
1. Chapter 1

It was just another case. Just another abandoned storage facility that Mulder wanted to investigate.

The project was terminated, the consortium defeated and Samantha's fate uncovered. Scully felt like there was nothing left for them to investigate and they were just wasting their time. Even if they found something new, it would hardly matter, since the enemy was thoroughly defeated, in every way.

Yet Mulder was still restless. He was still searching for something and Scully doubted that even he himself knew what or why. The files on his desk kept piling up, the new locations emerging fastest than ever and they just kept running and gathering evidence that would've endangered their lives not so long ago, yet now was useless.

Scully wondered if Mulder would ever stop, if he even knew how, after all these years. She was ready to stop and she planned to tell him that same day, if only she manages to gather the courage, look into his eyes and break his heart. She kept trying for the past few weeks, but the words never left her mouth. She was entering her sixth month of pregnancy and would soon not be able to follow him even if she wanted.

She didn't want. Not anymore. Her heart wasn't in it for a while. She yearned for a simpler life, away from the darkness, for herself and her baby. And Mulder, though she more and more doubted he would ever be satisfied with a life that even remotely resembled normalcy.

"I'm leaving The X-files," she gathered the courage to say. "There's nothing left for me to do there anymore and frankly you should ask yourself if your heart's still in it."

He didn't hear her. Or maybe he just ignored her. That was another thing she was growing tired of, speaking to a wall.

"Scully," his voice was shaky, as if he was afraid. "I found it."

"You found what, Mulder?" she approached him. "Have you even heard what I said?"

"You… what? Sorry, I… What, um, did you say?"

She looked at him, really looked at him. There was definitely fear in his eyes, and not just fear. He looked terrified and it alarmed her.

"Mulder," she touched his arm. "What's wrong?"

He handed her the file he was holding. "They had me, Scully. They didn't just take Samantha instead of me. They had me before they had her."

"What?"

She looked into the file. Mulder, it said. Fox William. Followed by Mulder's date of birth, blood type, medical history, school grades… She flipped the papers full of information and Mulder read it all with her above her shoulder.

"They had me, Scully…" his voice was getting softer, quieter, as if he was trying to hide.

"Do you recall being taken?" she asked him, still flipping the papers. "Being away from home?"

"No," he was trying hard to remember, but his mind was blank, even though his body started to shake for some reason. "No, Scully, how could I forget something like that?"

She closed the file and turned to him. "Maybe it's for the best. When faced with a severe trauma a mind can shut down and lock the memories inside, to protect itself from the pain that it's unable to handle. You know that, Mulder. Whatever is in this file, it might be best left alone."

"I need to know the truth," he demanded, trying to take the file from her. She pulled it away from him.

"You may not be ready for what's inside."

"As if I will ever be ready," he grabbed the file and she let him. She couldn't argue with him. If it was the other way around, she would need to know too, no matter the consequences.

The info, though detailed, was generic enough, but then came the pictures. Horrible, impossible pictures.

"Oh my god," Scully gasped. These pictures… They didn't show atrocious tests and experiments. It was even more evil than that, worse than Mulder and Scully could have prepared themselves for.

It was pedophilia.

"No," Mulder handed her the pictures, turning away from her. "No. I don't remember that. I don't remember."

Scully tried to say something, but the words didn't come out.

"I don't remember," Mulder kept repeating, walking up and down in front of her. "I don't remember… I don't remember… I don't remember… I don't… I… I remember. I… remember… Oh, GOD!"

He fell down on his knees and Scully felt his scream penetrate her bones, permanently imprinting itself on every cell of her body. It was a horror she would never forget.

Her knees gave up as well and she found herself on the floor, next to her partner.

"Mulder," she tried to reach him, but he rolled away from her, screaming the desperate plead, "Don't touch me!"

Through tears that were flooding as if the dam had been broken, she watched him crawl to the corner and curl himself in a fetal position, leaving the wet trail of urine behind him. She watched the little boy from the pictures trapped in an adult body in front of her, going through the nightmare that she couldn't save him from, because she wasn't there, she hadn't even been born then.

She closed her eyes for a second, in a silent prayer to the God she wanted to believe in, offering to lay down her life in exchange for his suffering to be taken away.

Alas, it wasn't what her God had in mind for them.


	2. Chapter 2

Scully was singing. It was the same song, over and over and over again.

_Jeramiah was a bullfrog…_

She didn't know what else to do to reach Mulder, curled up on the floor and trapped in hideous memories he didn't know he was carrying for all his life.

The song wasn't reaching him, not for a long time. But Scully was able to move closer without scaring him. Slowly, inch by inch.

"Mulder," she called, carefully, hoping it wouldn't alarm him. "It's Scully. Dana Scully. We need to get out of here. Please."

"No," he cried, trying to curl into himself even more. "Don't let them take me."

At least he was talking again. It was a start.

"There's nobody here," Scully tried to assure him. "You're safe. I promise. But you need to come with me."

Finally, Mulder dared to raise his head and look around, stopping at Scully's face. "Scully?" his voice was shaky and pleading for help.

"It's me," she dared to touch his arm, and to her relief it didn't freak him out. "We need to go. Come on."

She helped him get up and led him to the door. He wasn't letting go of her hand, squeezing her so hard that it hurt. It was the longest and hardest walk to the car she ever took.

The nausea she felt was worse than chemo and morning sickness combined.

Way worse.

She let go of Mulder in front of the car, to open the door for him and toss the file with pictures on the back seat. She wanted to burn it all, but it was evidence. Perhaps worthless evidence, but if there was any chance that some piece of the justice could still be served, she would do anything to make it happen.

Right now, though, Mulder was her priority. He was refusing to get in the car, looking at the floor and everywhere except her. Scully guessed that he was embarrassed about being wet, but she really, really, really couldn't have cared less about that.

Really.

Not knowing what else to do to ease his mind, she took off her coat and tossed it on the passenger seat. She was feeling hot anyway, while Mulder was shivering.

"Sit on that. You can pay for the dry cleaning," she offered, wanting to give him the feeling of being in control over something.

Reluctantly and without a word, he obeyed. Scully got into the driver's seat and waited for Mulder to fasten his seatbelt, leaning to do it for him when he showed no intention of doing it himself.

"How could I have forgotten?" he asked weakly, staring through the window into nowhere. "How do you possibly forget something like that?"

Scully sighed sadly, sparing him the explanation about a coping mechanism, which he knew all about.

"How much do you remember now?" she asked instead.

Mulder raised his hands a little and looked at them as if he was seeing them for the first time. He felt weird in his own body, as if he didn't really belong in there.

"Not much," he said. "But I hope no one ever has to profile me and get inside this hell of my mind."

Scully gently squeezed his hand and pulled it back down onto his lap, then she turned her attention to the road. If she didn't start driving right away, she felt she would never be able to.

"We'll get through this," she said firmly while starting the car.

The ride passed in silence, ending in front of Scully's apartment building.

"You forgot to take me home," Mulder said, trying to be witty as usual, but he didn't recognize his own voice. Nothing was, he realized at that moment, or ever would be, as usual again. His world fell apart. His whole life had been a lie, built on a horrible but hidden truth that he wasn't ready, nor, he thought, would ever be ready to face.

It was too much.

"I'm not leaving you alone," Scully said firmly. "You're in shock and you need help."

"I'm…" he tried to say _fine_ but the word got stuck in his throat. He wasn't fine. He wasn't anywhere near fine. In fact, he couldn't remember ever feeling fine. It was as alien concept to him as the black oil. If she left him alone, he would pull a gun on himself. Maybe he should. Maybe it would make everything go away. The memories, the pain… Scully… The baby…

The baby. More than anything, he wanted to meet the baby, but what good would he be in the life of an innocent child? It will have Scully, it didn't need him.

"I can't be a burden to you," he heard himself talking. "You're pregnant."

"Thanks to you," Scully closed her eyes with a sigh. Her mother always complained about her wanting to be the strong one, but what choice did she have? This world was a cruel place and only strong people had a chance in it. Her sister didn't…

Mulder's scream brought her back to the present moment. He opened the door, but couldn't unlock the seatbelt and it was causing him panic.

"…can't…" he gasped. "..breathe…"

Scully quickly did it for him, then she cupped his head between his hands and pressed her forehead onto his, grounding him as best as she could.

"Slow down," she said, not letting go. "Count with me. One. Two. Slowly. Breathe with me. I've got you."

"Three," the child in him picked up. "Four."

"That's it," Scully encouraged him. "Five."

"Six," his arms searched for the comfort of her body, pulling her close.

"Seven," he buried his head in her hair and started to shake, followed by desperate sobs on her shoulders.

"Don't leave me," he begged, falling apart into billion pieces that she was already picking up, not letting any part of him go to waste or oblivion.

"I'm here," she said, crying with him but holding them both together. Three of them, to be precise. "I'm here."

"Eight," he continued to count when he managed to calm down enough to do so. "Nine."

"Ten," Scully kissed him in the head. "Are you ready to go upstairs now? The baby is sitting on my bladder."

"Sorry," he chuckled with embarrassment, reluctantly letting go of her. "There's no point in both of us getting pissed."

She smiled and stroked his cheek, looking into his eyes until she was sure that he was ready to go.

"I'll be done in a second and then you can take a shower," she told him when they entered the apartment.

She rushed to the bathroom, leaving him alone for the first time since they found the files. He could hear her pee, but he couldn't see her and it caused another panic attack.

Scully found him sitting on the floor hugging his legs to his chest, counting and swinging back and forth.

"I'm here," she said, placing a hand on his head. She was too tired and too pregnant to crouch down again, even standing was hard enough. "Let's get you into shower."

He didn't react.

"Please," she whispered, thinking about getting help. But who could she call? Lone Gunmen? "Do you want me to call someone?"

"The Smoking Man," Mulder offered. "Or Kryczek. Whoever wants me dead the most."

"I need you alive."

"You said you were leaving," he finally stood up. "Before I showed you the... You said you were leaving."

"I said I was leaving the X-files. Not you."

"I _am_ the X-files, Scully."

"Not to me."

She offered a hand and he let her take him to the bathroom, but he didn't let her leave him alone there. As ashamed as he was of letting the pregnant woman take off his clothes for him, he wasn't able to do it himself. His hands were shaking, refusing to be controlled.

"You shouldn't be doing this," Mulder said weakly.

"It's ok," Scully assured him. "I'm a doctor."

She didn't feel like a doctor. This wasn't a grown man standing naked in front of her, this was a scared little boy trapped in the adult body. Just a child who needed help. That's how she saw him in that moment, for the first time. It woke maternal instincts in her. She was still sad and worried about him, but at the same time she was at peace, knowing that he was safe with her, that she was able to protect him.

"You're my partner," he argued. "This is inappropriate."

Scully almost laughed at that. Inappropriate? Said the man who she asked to masturbate in a cup so that she could be impregnated.

"Mulder, look at me," she demanded, cupping his face when he refused. She turned his head towards hers, forcing him to meet her eyes. "You are in shock and you need help. There's no shame in that. Just like you shouldn't be ashamed of anything that was done to you. The people who hurt you… Mulder, the shame is on them, not on you."

He closed his eyes to avoid her piercing gaze, but Scully wasn't having it.

"Mulder," she said firmly, not letting go of his head. He started to shake harder.

"Mulder!" she called again, louder this time.

He said something that she couldn't understand.

"Get in the tub," she ordered gently and firmly at the same time. Mulder obeyed and let her wash him. It wasn't easy, since he was so much bigger than her and wasn't able to help.

His mind was elsewhere.

It felt like it was yesterday.

Men. Bad men. Their hands in places that no one else touched him. Some of them naked. Pictures. Lots and lots of pictures that he didn't want to take. They told him the project needed the money and he had to do his part. Otherwise, they would take his sister. He didn't want that, did he?

The taste in his mouth after being "a good boy".

The taste in his mouth…

The taste of…

"Mulder!" he felt Scully's hand on his forehead. "Are you ok?"

He realized he was kneeling in the tub, covered in vomit.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Shhh," Scully resumed washing him. "Let me help you."

It was a tedious job that took forever, but she finally had her partner in her bed, clean though frightened, still shaking from sobs and coldness. She gave him something to help him sleep, something that would also prevent dreams.

"Don't leave me," he begged, not letting her go sleep on the couch, even when she promised to leave the door open. She was going to wait for him to fall asleep, but she didn't have the strength to sit by the bed. The bigger she was, the quicker she was getting exhausted, and today she'd already reached her limit.

She propped herself on the pillows on the empty side of the bed, to at least raise her feet and Mulder quickly cuddled to her, needing her warmth.

"Don't let them take me," he pleaded.

"I'll die first," Scully promised.

"You can't," Mulder said while finally drifting to sleep. "You're pregnant."

And there it was again. He acknowledged her pregnancy for the second time today, after not mentioning it for a couple of months, ever since their unexpected custody fight that almost tore them apart.


	3. Chapter 3

Scully's pregnancy had barely been starting to show, when Mulder dropped the unexpected request on her.

"I think I want to appeal for a shared custody," he said one day, out of the blue.

"Of what?" Scully raised her eyebrow in complete confusion.

"The baby," his voice was getting cold.

"My baby?" her voice was getting colder.

"It's not just yours, Scully," Mulder argued. "I have rights, too."

"Mulder, you signed off your rights when you gave the donation," Scully reminded him.

"Well, I've changed my mind. That was just a… _donation_," he said the word with discuss. "I didn't think it would work."

"You didn't think it would work?!" Scully stared at him in disbelief. "And what the hell _were_ you thinking?! That you were just humoring me? That you'd never have to deal with the actual baby?"

"Exactly," he confirmed. "I didn't think there would ever be a baby. But now that there is, I can't just walk away from it."

Scully took a deep breath and buried her head in her hands. This wasn't happening. She fought so much to get her miracle, and Mulder was there for her every step of the way. Was she really going to have to fight him too now? Was getting him involved a terrible mistake?

She took another deep breath, composed herself and forced herself to look at him again. "What do you want?"

"I want this child to know me. To count on me."

"Mulder, we see each other almost every day," Scully's eyes filled with tears. "You call me in the middle of the night for no reason. I often find you waiting for me in the dark when I come home. I couldn't keep you away from this child even if I wanted to. Which I don't. What did I ever do to make you think otherwise? How can you consider involving lawyers before even talking to me?"

"Because what you say doesn't matter. Things change."

"What things?"

"You'll meet someone. Someone nice, stable, successful. A better man, a better father."

"Right," Scully said bitterly. "I don't see any handsome, available men standing in line."

"But I do. I get asked for your number all the time. You have it all, Scully, you are smart, beautiful, caring… Sooner or later you'll realize it and you'll want only the best for you and your child. You won't want me around."

"Is that what you think of me?" Scully let the tears fall freely. Mulder wouldn't see them anyway. He wasn't looking at her, as if he didn't care anymore. Or maybe he just didn't dare. Either way, Scully felt incredibly lonely and betrayed.

"No," Mulder answered. "But I didn't think that about my mother either, and it turned out that's exactly what she did."

Scully stood up and went to get her coat. She couldn't stand being in the same office as him. She couldn't listen to him anymore.

"You know what I went through to get pregnant," she said accusingly. "You know this was my last chance."

"That's just it, Scully. It's my last chance too."

"How. Dare. You. Say. That." Scully said through her teeth, gathering all her self-restrain to prevent her barren self from pulling a gun on this perfectly healthy and potent man who could impregnate an army of women willing to jump into his bed wherever he went.

She slammed the door behind her and they never mentioned a custody or even her pregnancy again.

Until today.

Scully thought about it now, while broken Mulder slept on her shoulder. She was too exhausted to sleep, but she tried to avoid taking sleeping pills, for the sake of her baby and the man who she promised to protect with her life.

How could this be the same man that threatened to take her baby from her?

Scully thought about it, trying to make sense of it. She'd been keeping an eye on him, checking his trash and his e-mails, but she never found anything that would indicate he contacted a lawyer. Maybe it was just an empty threat, but maybe Mulder was waiting for the baby to be born before taking actions.

The trust between them has been seriously diminished. She still followed him, but her heart wasn't in it anymore. She started to explore other opportunities.

Mulder never apologized, but he also never took his threats any further.

They were in a pat position. Frenemies.

Now Scully felt it was her turn to apologize. She didn't listen to him and she didn't acknowledge his concerns. She realized now that Mulder was afraid of losing her, along with the baby, and he wanted to do whatever he could to at least be able to see the baby.

He wanted to be a father and Scully didn't want him to be that. She finally admitted it to herself. She wanted Mulder to be around, to be in the baby's life, but she didn't want him to make decisions. He could play with the kid, teach him baseball, watch movies with him, but when it came to parenting styles, nutrition, choice of school and medical needs, Scully wanted to make the decisions by herself. She didn't want Mulder's input in anything that was truly important.

Mulder was always a father figure for her baby in Scully's eyes. A father _figure_. Not a father.

Why did he want more? And why was she so afraid of allowing him more?

She remembered how he said this was his last chance too. She was so angry at him at the time, but now she wondered what made him say that. She felt ashamed now for never asking, for not giving him a chance to explain.

His sample passed all the tests. IVF was too complicated and too expensive for anything to be overlooked. The quality of Mulder's sperm was exceptional and he knew it. What made him think that this baby was his last chance?

Scully was aware that Mulder never dated anybody, but she always thought it was due to his obsession with his work. He was handsome and knew how to charm a woman, yet he never seemed interested in anyone. More than once, Scully caught him with some woman, annoyed with his unprofessionalism. But now that she thought about it, she never saw him initiate a kiss. He always seemed to be pulling back, looking embarrassed and a bit frightened. Scully used to assume that reaction was due to her watching, but she wasn't so sure anymore.

Was he homosexual? She wasn't getting that vibe from him, but then again, did she really know him as well as she thought? Yet, all his videos and magazines were anything but gay.

No, Mulder was definitely attracted to women, even if he seemed to fear them.

Maybe he was hurt by one in the past and didn't think he would ever love again.

Or maybe he was never loved…

"I'm sorry," she whispered, passing a hand through his hair. "I was being selfish. I had no idea… I'm so sorry."

They needed to talk. She didn't know how, and she knew he didn't know either. But they had to grow up or they would destroy each other over this baby that didn't ask to be born.

Scully wasn't having Mulder's baby anymore. She was having a baby _with_ Mulder. As frightening as it was, things had to start changing.


	4. Chapter 4

When Scully woke up, Mulder wasn't in the bed anymore. Alarmed, she sat up to look around the room, founding him curled up in the corner.

"Mulder," she called and he raised his head. His bloody eyes stared through her, as if he didn't really see her. As if he wasn't really in there. It scared the hell out of her, but she managed not to show it. "How long have you been up?"

"I…" Mulder looked at his hands. "I couldn't find my gun."

"Thank god…" Scully closed her eyes. She remembered taking Mulder's gun and hiding it between the towels in the bathroom. It wasn't the safest place but it was all she could think of in that moment. She didn't trust Mulder with a gun in his darkest moments.

"You took it," he said accusingly.

"Can you blame me?" she wondered.

He sighed, not answering. He didn't blame her, but he didn't agree with her either. It was his life, his choice. She didn't have to live with his memories. She didn't know how it felt.

"I'm not going to pretend I know what you're going through," she confirmed his thoughts, almost as if she was reading his mind. "But what we found yesterday, the boy in the pictures… Mulder, he survived. He grew up into a wonderful man whose brilliant mind helped save countless lives. I know you have a lot to process and I know it's not going to be easy, but that boy is a fighter who never gives up. He survived."

"Did he, though?" Mulder asked her. "Or did he become an empty shell with nothing to give?"

"You have a lot to give," Scully assured him, trying to come up with an appropriate example.

"How about you give me a hand with the crib?" she finally offered, hoping that having something to do with his hands would calm his mind a little. "Bill sent me Matthew's old crib and it needs to be set up."

Mulder looked at his hands again, trying to assess whether he would be able to use them or not. They didn't shake today, but they still didn't feel like they belonged to him.

Scully got up and walked over to him, placing a hand on his head. "Come on. The crib is in the guest room. Well, I should stop calling it _guest room _now. The baby's room. I just need to use the bathroom first. Is that ok?"

Mulder nodded, feeling ashamed. "Take your time."

And so she did. She took a shower, got dressed, called Skinner, made the bed… By time she went to the baby's room, the crib was already done and Mulder was sitting on the floor, hugging a stuffed animal and silently crying. Scully sat down next to him, took the toy from him and let him cry on her shoulder, holding him until he had no more tears left.

"I've called Skinner and told him we aren't coming to work," she said when he calmed down enough to listen. "I'll make us breakfast and then perhaps we can go buy another crib?"

Mulder looked at her with puzzlement. "Are you having twins?"

"No," Scully smiled. "But I am not the only one having this child."

"What do you mean?"

"We need a crib for you place. For when the baby stays with you."

Mulder stood up and went to check out the crib. It looked fine and it felt comforting knowing that he was able to use these hands, supposedly his. A crib seemed to fit into Scully's guest room, but at his place? He didn't have room for it. And as much as he contemplated the idea recently, he didn't have room for a child in his life. His life was messy, just an endless stream of alterations between boredom and danger. What would he do with a baby?

Right now, he couldn't even find room in his heart. His heart felt empty, numb and irreversibly broken.

"I signed off my rights," he reminded Scully. "I'll respect that. I won't stand in your way."

"Regardless of the papers," Scully said, gently rubbing her belly. "This is your son. Nothing can change that."

"Son?" he looked at her, puzzled.

"It's a boy," Scully confirmed with a smile.

"Oh," Mulder didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to think. "Is that, um, what you wanted?"

"All I wanted was a healthy child. And he is. That's all that matters."

"Yeah," Mulder nervously looked around. "Of course."

"Mulder," Scully approached him. "Give me your hand."

Mulder just froze.

"It's ok," Scully said gently, offering her hand to him. "Come on."

She stood there and waited for Mulder to become comfortable enough to humor her request. It took a few moments of internal battle, but he finally obeyed, placing his hand into hers. He was shaking again. Scully gently squeezed his hand in encouragement, then slowly guided it to her stomach. He felt a gentle kick. Then another one.

Scully chuckled. "Did you feel that?"

Mulder nodded and she moved his hand a little to the left, searching for the best spot.

For a moment, life was good and everything was ok.

Only for a moment.

"I can't do this," Mulder suddenly declared, pulling away his hand as if he got burned.

"It's ok," Scully tried to assure him, but he took a step back and raised his hands in a giving-up gesture.

"No, it's not," he said. "Nothing has ever been ok. And I… I don't want you to watch me like this."

"Mulder, I'm a…"

"A doctor. And my friend. I know. I appreciate it. I just… I need to get out of here."

Scully sighed and her eyes filled with tears, faced with his determination. "Where will you go?"

"I don't…" Mulder looked at the floor. "I don't know what to tell you. I just need a. Space to. Breathe."

"I understand," Scully whispered. She meant it. They've just discovered a terrible suppressed memory and offering Mulder fatherhood on a plate must have seemed like a move out of pity, after she'd been making it clear that this child was solely hers for all this time. Her timing sucked.

"_I wouldn't want this to come between us,"_ Mulder had told her moments before he accepted to be the donor. He thought it sounded weird, and it didn't make sense to her at the time, but the pregnancy did come between them, in more ways than she could've imagined.

It made her selfish. She focused solely on the baby growing inside her, completely ignoring Mulder's feelings and wishes. He hardly mattered anymore. Their work didn't matter at all.

And now, watching her broken and lonely partner walk out of her apartment wearing nothing but her maternity sweatpants underneath his coat, she was too pregnant to insist on following him.

The baby was meant to change everything, but instead for the better, everything was getting worse, without Scully even noticing it on time.

And she only had herself to blame.


	5. Chapter 5

Quonochontaug. The place of happy childhood memories and… secrets. Secrets that he would probably never uncover, though they would keep hunting him for the rest of his life.

Mulder felt trapped. He felt like the only way out was ending his life, but whenever he came up with a way to do it, something stopped him.

Someone stopped him. Someone whose name he wanted to know and who he didn't want to grow up knowing his… (what? father?) … committed suicide.

Mulder's grandfather killed himself. His mother too. Death wish was his family legacy he didn't want to pass on, as tempting as it sounded, especially now.

He wanted to be killed instead, just like his father, who wasn't really his father, just like Mulder wasn't really a father to Scully's baby. A donor. He was merely an unanonimous donor.

Nothing was as it was supposed to be.

Nights were the worst. If Mulder slept at all, it was during the day, when his demons got tired from hunting him and retrieved for a quick break.

The problem was, demons would get rested way faster than Mulder. He just wasn't getting any break at all. Between crying curled up on the floor, punching stuff in pure rage, and planning the most effective ways to leave this world, Mulder didn't find strength to take a shower, eat or, ocassionaly, breathe.

But that kick he felt in Scully's belly, that baby boy he helped to create, the last beam of hope in a cruel world, somehow managed to pull him through the worst days.

Mulder dreamed about building a sand castle with him, flying rockets or watching movies, but most of those dreams ended with the kid being taken away in the same way Mulder remembered Samantha's abduction.

Falsely remembered.

Despite that, those were the good dreams. Those were the dreams without consortium, without unspeakable perversions, without unbearable suffering.

Mulder used to think he would never experience worse nightmares than witnessing Samantha being taken away. As it turned out, he was very wrong.

Who knew making up a story in your mind about your sister's abduction by aliens was actually improvement of the truth!

Who knew you could make a baby without ever…

Wrong. Everything was wrong.

He used up all the mandatory vacation, then took unpaid leave. He wasn't ready to go back to work, not without Scully, and not with a chance to run into her on her way from Quantico, or wherever her new assignment was going to be.

He needed her just as much as he needed to stay away from her. He kept picking up the phone, then putting it back down. Then picking it up again and throwing it into the wall. He wanted to go to her, but leaving the house caused him unbearable anxiety. He wasn't ready to face the world again, the world that almost destroyed him, more times than he could count.

Yet Scully was a part of that same world. Pregnant. And alone.

She worried about him, but didn't know where he went. He wasn't answering the phone, and his apartment was empty. Scully spent a few nights there, searching for a clue about his whereabouts and waiting for him, but Mulder wasn't showing up.

The pregnancy was taking toll on her and Mulder's absence made it all harder. Soon, she was placed on a bed rest, and Scully wasn't known for resting when under stress. Her mind roamed wild, examining all the places that she couldn't go to, calling for his name, summoning him in her dreams…

But he wasn't coming back. He didn't hear her.

Yet, he was back when she needed him the most. He just knew when the time came, even if he didn't know that he knew. There wasn't any thought put into it, he just picked up his sorry ass and returned home.

His apartment had a citrus smell. It was cleaned and his fish were alive. Only seeing them swim happily made him remember he even had fish.

Everything in it screamed Scully. She was all over his place. All over his life.

And he wouldn't have it any other way. He just didn't know where, and if, he fit in hers.

One phone call a few hours later gave him all the answers he needed.

"Fox," the shaky voice greeted him. "It's Margaret Scully."

"Mrs. Scully," Mulder was instantly alarmed. "What's wrong?"

"It's Dana. She… I need you to come to the hospital."

"What's wrong?" Mulder repeated, more urgently this time. He was already getting his jacket and looking for his shoes.

"She's in labor," Mrs. Scully said with a complete lack of cheerfulness for getting a grandson. "There's been… complications."

"I'll be right there!"

And he was. All the demons in the world couldn't stop him from being there for Scully if she needed him.


	6. Chapter 6

"Fox!" Maggie waited for him at the hospital entrance. "Thank god you're here!"

"Where is she?" he asked, barely acknowledging the old woman. He stormed through the halls, and Maggie had to start running to keep up with him.

"The baby is stuck," she informed him in between breath catching. "She's been calling for you."

The doctor confirmed her words. The baby wasn't coming out and Scully was losing strength to help it. It's heartbeats were dropping, it was too late for a C-section, and if she didn't push it out soon the options were limited and… ugly.

Mulder's heartbeat was so loud that at one point he couldn't hear the doctor anymore. All he could understand was that he was losing them both, a son he never met and a friend he just wasted a few months running away from.

As usual, it was all his fault. Staying or leaving, it didn't seem to matter. He caused pain and suffering no matter what he did.

"I need to see her," he demanded. If there was a god or whatever power from above, Mulder commanded it to take a sacrifice. He demanded to die first.

"It's him," Maggie informed the doctor. "The man she's been calling for."

The doctor observed Mulder carefully, feeling intimidated by the unshaved, unpleasantly smelling and clearly a difficult man. Despite his better judgment, he nodded an approval. He was losing a patient – two patients – and he was running out of options. Time was the luxury he didn't have, so Mulder got scrubbed and gowned in an instant, even faster pushed into a scary room where his partner was lying on a table, spread like a stuffed turkey.

"Scully!" he run to her, phishing for her hand under all the cords she was attached to.

She was gasping and bathing in sweat. Her grasp on his palm was weak, but it was there.

"Mulder," she turned her face towards him and he started to move the sticky strands of her hair. "I wish you were here."

"I _am_ here, Scully," he tried to assure her. "I've got you."

There were too many people in the room and they talked too much, urging Scully to push and reciting the medicine dosages and the vital numbers that did nothing but fall. It was too much for him, so Mulder shut them out and concentrated only on Scully.

"Please," she begged. "Make them save the baby. They can't waste time on me."

Mulder run his hand through her damp hair and pressed his lips to her forehead. Despite the sweat, she was cold, and incredibly pale. He could feel her giving up, but how could he give her the will to live if he didn't have any?

"The only doctor he needs is you, Scully. Push him out."

"I can't…"

"He's almost here. Come on, Scully!"

"I want you to raise him. Don't leave him."

"Come on, Scully, push!" Mulder kept insisting, not taking no for an answer. But neither was Scully.

"Promise me!" she demanded and as he pulled her into a hug he promised both her and the baby everything they are ever going to want. Her nails dug into his skin and as she screamed into his chest, her whole body tensed and shook in one last, desperate effort, bringing the new life into the world.

Mulder heard the baby's first cry at the same time as Scully's body went limp in his arms. Before he realized what was happening, he was pushed off her and out of the room that was now full of blood.

It all happened so fast and Mulder didn't have time to process it. One moment he was all alone in the world, the next he was holding the only soul that could make him feel otherwise, and now he was standing in the hall, possibly and likely about to lose the last person that mattered to him. Maggie's firm grasp was the only thing that stopped him from falling to his knees.

He looked at her, with desperate plea in the bloody eyes. "I can't lose her."

Maggie nodded and squeezed him a bit tighter. "I can't lose her either."

She guided him to the nearby chair, just in time to prevent him from collapsing on the floor. He had no strength left – he gave it all to Scully.

The fear that it may not have been enough invaded every part of his being. The eternity of desperation, self-blame, pleading to all known and unknown gods and higher beings while endlessly waiting had started. He was an FBI agent, used to crime scenes and gore, but he rarely saw as much blood as in that delivery room. How could anyone survive that?

The warm touch on the arm startled him.

"I'm sorry," Maggie quickly retrieved her hand. "I didn't want to scare you."

He looked at her, remembering that she was there. For a moment he almost didn't know who she was.

"I…" he tried to apologize for not listening to what/if she was saying, for his involvement with her daughter, for… for existing.

If he had said no, Scully wouldn't be pregnant, and she wouldn't be bleeding out to death right now. If only he had refused to fill that sterile cup! Maybe if he hadn't lied about his sexual history, they wouldn't trust him with that cup. If Scully had found an anonymous donor, maybe that man's child wouldn't kill her. What was she thinking, with bringing Mulder Junior into the world? The boy should have never been his. Anybody's but his!

A boy. He promised to raise him. Alone. The thought made him feel sick. Raising a child that killed her…

"Mrs. Scully," the doctor approached them and they both jumped to their feet.

"How is she?" Mulder and Maggie asked in unison.

"Critical," the doctor replied. "We are still trying to stabilize her, but she's lost a lot of blood."

"Is she going to make it?" Maggie's voice shook with fear.

"We are doing everything that we can," the doctor promised as much, or as little, as he could.

"How is the boy?" Mulder asked because he had to. If he couldn't help Scully anymore, he had to do everything he could to protect the baby she almost died for. Besides, he promised it to her.

"The baby is doing fine. It's a girl."

"What do you mean a girl? She was having a boy, not a girl."

"I assure you," the doctor smiled for a first time, finally giving some good news. "The baby is definitely a girl. She's healthy and beautiful. You can see her soon."

"No," Mulder approached him, grabbed him by the collar and pushed him onto a wall. "She was having a boy! What have you done to him? Where is he?!"


	7. Chapter 7

"Fox," a gentle voice woke Mulder. "Are you awake?"

"I am now," he murmured, trying to move. To his surprise, he found himself restrained and he immediately started to struggle, fully alert in an instant.

"Where am I?" he looked around, stopping at Maggie's face. She touched his arm in an effort to calm him down.

"You've been sedated," she said warmly. "You need to relax, or they won't let you go."

Mulder sighed, realizing she was right. He lay back down obediently, more out of respect for the motherly figure than out of willingness to co-operate with… _them_.

"What did I do?" he asked resignedly.

"You became very upset when we'd been told Dana had a little girl. You must have really wanted a boy."

It came back to him now. Scully, the blood, the doctor… The missing baby boy… Oh, Mulder knew what was being done to the missing boys! He wasn't going to let that happen. But the security came and he was quickly outnumbered. Defeated. Restrained. He begged them not to touch him. He threatened them. Cursed them. Yelled at them. Only made a fool of himself and ended up tied to the bed under Mrs. Scully's concerned gaze.

"You have to let me go," he pleaded to her. "I need to find him. He's your grandson!"

"Dana had a girl, Fox," Maggie said firmly, tired of his nonsense. "I have a granddaughter who is safe and sound. You could see her if you'd just behave."

"Dana," Mulder closed his eyes. "How is she?"

"She's weak, but the doctors think she's out of the woods. Thank god."

"I…" Mulder tried to get up again, despite his better judgment. "I need to see her."

"Not like this," Maggie shook her head. "I'm going to call Mr. Skinner now. He wanted to talk to you."

"No, not Skinner!" Mulder objected, but Scully's mom was determined. She left the room and after a few minutes a big, bald, angry man replaced her. He tossed a file at Mulder's chest, not wasting any time.

"The baby is Scully's," he said, while untying one of Mulder's hands to enable him to browse through the evidence. "I ordered the emergency DNA test. It's all in there," he nodded towards the file that Mulder was already examining. "It's a girl, Mulder. I don't know where you got the idea that-"

"Scully told me she was having a boy," Mulder explained.

"Ultrasound isn't a hundred percent accurate. Mistakes happen. It's not a reason to tear down the whole hospital, Mulder! Do you have any idea what strings I had to pull to prevent them from pressing charges?"

"I'm sorry," Mulder said, not looking at him. He was busy untying the rest of his limbs and Skinner let him.

"What is going on with you, Mulder?" Skinner's voice became just a tad softer.

"I said I'm sorry," Mulder handed him back the file. "Thank you for… this."

He tried to get up but he was too dizzy, so he didn't object when Skinner pushed him back down.

"You were gone for three months," Skinner informed him, as if he didn't already know that.

"You always force me to go on vacations," Mulder shrugged, looking away from him.

"This wasn't a vacation," Skinner was insistent. "Where have you been? What happened on your last case?"

"We didn't find anything."

"That's what your reports said. I'm asking you off the record… As a friend."

Mulder looked at him, not knowing what to say. He felt embarrassed by this man's observance. A part of him wanted to deny everything, but there was another part of him that wanted it all in the open, out of the shadow, to be burned and transformed in the sun and light, setting him free…

If he could ever become free.

He must've stayed quiet for too long, because Skinner eventually gave up and turned to leave. Already holding the doorknob, he stopped and glanced at his agent once more.

"Mulder," he asked for attention. "I've seen her. Congratulations."

Mulder nodded, relived that Skinner dropped the previous subject, but annoyed with his new implication.

"Did you test that, too?" he ironically gestured towards the file.

"No," Skinner said simply. "I didn't have to."

Mulder wondered if Scully had said something to their boss. He didn't think she would, but hell, he was gone for so long and everything was different now. She could have been sleeping with Skinner, as far as he knew!

Still, it was more likely Skinner just assumed, like pretty much the rest of the FBI, that Mulder has been doing the naked pretzel with his partner. It wasn't rare for the opposite sex partners (and some of the same sex) to take their intimacy to another level, but it wasn't a norm either. Mulder wasn't against it, he secretly enjoyed those rumors. It somehow made him worthier in their eyes and it fed some of his fantasies. Scully and he occasionally joked about it. It made them closer. They shared a secret that they didn't have a secret.

"Fox," Maggie returned to his room. "Forgive me for my bluntness, but I need to ask you… Are you the father?"

Straight to the point. She caught him off guard and Mulder had no idea what to say. There were no words for what he was to Scully's baby.

"I am not judging," she explained. "Either of you. But I need to know."

Mulder sighed. It wasn't his place to talk about Scully's business behind her back, but he respected her mother too much to lie to her, or leave her hanging. Besides, Scully often used him to bring bad news to her mother when she didn't have it in her to make a call herself, the worst of all examples being when she was dying from cancer. It was a miracle Mrs. Scully didn't hate him, after all the bad news he'd given her through the years.

"It's not what you think," he finally said, forcing himself to look at her. "She needed a donor and she didn't have much time… Her ova, that I found, turned out to be viable after all, but not for long. It was her last chance."

It was Maggie's turn to be speechless. She sat on his bed, absorbing the news.

"Well," she finally said. "It's certainly not what I've expected."

"I never touched her," Mulder said sheepishly.

Maggie gave him a warm smile and a quick pat on the hand. "If you ever do, you have my blessing."

She stood up, ready to leave, but Mulder grabbed her by the hand, needing her to stay. He didn't know why, just as he didn't know what he was going to tell her.

"Not just her," came out of his mouth, to his complete mortification. "Any woman. Ever."

Maggie sat back down, giving him her full attention. She didn't say anything, she just listened.

Mulder closed his eyes in embarrassment and wanted to disappear. But he also wanted to be heard, to be seen... To be saved.

"I…" he started and the tears appeared through still closed eyes. He thought he would never get the courage to open them again. He thought he would never stop crying.

"It's ok," Maggie said quietly. She took his hand in hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. Then she took a paper handkerchief from her purse and stuffed it in his hand. He automatically used it to wipe his nose, and then he started to sob.

"What happened, Fox?" Maggie's hand was now on his shoulder. "Did someone hurt you?"

Mulder nodded and reflexively embraced her. There was something about the old woman that made him feel safe and his guard melted like a wax on the sun.

Maggie let him cry on her shoulder, while she gently rubbed his back. As far as she was concerned, being a father of her granddaughter made him her son-in-law. A son, for short.

"I didn't…" Mulder started to explain in between sobs. "I didn't remember. I was… so young. I… The pictures… On our last case… We found… I didn't… remember…"

"But now you do?" Maggie gently assumed.

"Not… enough. B… but… too much. It's too much…" Mulder continued to sob miserably, for what felt like the eternity. Maggie held him through the entire ordeal, saying just the right amount of comforting words here and there.

Finally, he calmed a little and separated from her. He looked her in the eyes with all the guilt in the world. For what, Maggie wondered. For taking advantage of her compassion? How damaged was that poor man?

She clutched her hands on her knees and looked at the floor, through the floor, through space and time. A long time ago, probably at the same time when this young man next to her was going through his torment…

"I was having twins," she said, raising her gaze to the sterile hospital wall and beyond, through the wall and through the locked and shattered pieces of her heart. "Before Dana was born. Another boy and another girl, just like I always wanted. Bill and Melissa were so little… and so excited."

A tear rolled down her cheek and she looked at her hands as if she was surprised to find them there. The pain was sharp. Whenever she thought about the twins, it felt like it all occurred yesterday. That's why she never talked about them.

"What happened?" Fox asked her and she closed her eyes, allowing herself to go back there, to relive that day. For his sake.

"They came too early," she sniffed. "The girl tried to cry but her lungs were too weak. The boy never made a sound. I never held them… I never named them… A month later, I was already pregnant again, but I didn't realize it for months… And when I finally did, I thought it was a phantom pregnancy. Even when my doctor confirmed it, I didn't accept it. I didn't allow myself to hope. I was sure I was going to lose her too."

She took another handkerchief and carefully wiped the tears. Then she straightened up and gave Mulder a weak, but sincere smile.

"Dana was the only one of my children that I didn't breast feed. I was a wreck. I was still mourning my twins and I couldn't connect with her. A part of me was sure she was going to die, and I guess a part of me blamed her for taking their place. I mean, she was conceived before the twins should have been born… I blamed my husband too, for making me pregnant, even though it was me who was looking for comfort in his arms. He took a leave from work to care for me and the children. It made him bond with Dana more than with any other child, since I was so closed off to her. They became inseparable, while I kept sinking…"

She stopped talking and the heavy silence filled the room.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Scully," Mulder said quietly.

"Please," she chuckled. "Call me Maggie."

"Maggie," Mulder accepted with a smile.

"It wasn't until Charlie was born that I finally found peace. I felt like I got part of my twins back. I had two boys and two girls again, just like I've always wanted. But then he got sick and most of my prayers and energy went to him. I was fighting for his life, like I never fought for Dana's. I was always prepared to lose her. That's why it didn't surprise me when she joined the FBI, or when she got cancer. That's why I was so quick to pull the plug when she was in a coma, to buy a headstone when she was missing… But Dana has always been a fighter. She had her daddy to believe in her when I couldn't. When he was gone, she had you. You brought her back when none of us could…"

"You can't blame yourself, Maggie," Mulder tried to assure her. "Dana loves you very much."

"I know," Maggie nodded. "I love her too, with all my heart. But she doesn't come to me when she is in trouble. She goes to you. You are her rock, Fox, and I know that she is yours, too. I've seen you with her, and I've seen you without her. You should be by her side, but Mr. Skinner told me you've been gone for months and nobody knew how to find you."

"I was too ashamed," Mulder admitted. "And she was pregnant. I couldn't drag her into my… darkness."

"Darkness is just absence of light. Fox, Dana was in labor for 37 hours. She was weak, the baby was weak, and in my head, I was burying her again… But that baby was born only minutes after you showed up. You are her light, son. Let her be yours."

She squeezed his hand once more and stood up to leave, wrapped in a heavy cloth of her sorrow, leaving him with his own.

At the door she turned to him once more, and instead of goodbye simply said: "You do have my blessing."


	8. Chapter 8

Scully had just finished breast-feeding the baby, when Mulder came into the room.

"Hi," she said warmly, her whole face lightening up with a smile.

"Hi," Mulder said back, awkwardly looking at the bouquet in his hands. He came close enough to put it at the foot of the bed, next to Scully's feet, but then he took a few steps back. "How are you feeling?"

"Happy," Scully said simply. She didn't care that her body ached as if she would never be able to sit again. She was filled with joy and a new purpose in life.

"Come here, Mulder," she smiled, motioning towards the baby. "She doesn't bite."

But Mulder kept his distance. "I, um, need to talk to you."

"Can't it wait?" Scully was tired, weak and completely uninterested in anything other than her baby. "Don't you want to hold her?"

"No!" he said quickly. "I mean, I can't. Not like this."

"Mulder," Scully observed him carefully. "What's wrong?"

He looked well enough to her, freshly shaved and neatly dressed. Her mother had said he was doing fine, just being his usual reckless and passionate self. Skinner had said he wasn't in trouble, though not for the lack of trying. Bill had said he was an idiot, but her brother never liked her partner anyway.

Mulder was back and that was enough. Scully was sure his daughter would heal many wounds on his soul, just as she was doing for her. He just had to stop with his nonsense and hold her at last.

"My family, my childhood was ruined with secrets, shame and regret," Mulder said, looking at the floor. "I don't want the same for her. I want her to know everything she ever wants to know about me. I don't want to hide anymore… But I don't think I know how… It's the truth, Scully, but if I don't tell you now, I don't think I ever will."

"Ok," Scully yawned and closed her eyes for a moment, starting to feel annoyed. She was tired and he wasn't making much sense, but she tried to concentrate and give him her attention. "I'm listening."

She almost fell asleep before he finally started to talk again.

"I feel like I owe you an apology," he was looking at the ceiling now.

"For what?" Scully wondered.

"For the woman I met in a bar," Mulder explained. "When you told me you were pregnant. I was… I don't know what I've felt. Shock, perhaps. I wanted to… I don't know what I've wanted. It was too much to process. I went to a bar to get drunk and… Pick up a woman."

"Mulder, that's your business. Why do you feel you should apologize for it?"

"Because… Scully, you don't understand! I took her to my bed!"

"So, how was it?" Scully asked without a hint of jealousy in her voice. She knew by now that no woman could come between her and Mulder. She'd also realized how tense and uncomfortable Mulder always looked when somebody was trying to flirt with him, and she'd found out the reason for it, so she could understand how important that stranger from a bar must have been to him. She just wanted him to win at last.

"It was… wasn't…" he looked at the wall. "It was a disaster, Scully."

"I'm sorry," she said softly, meaning it with all her heart.

"Yeah," Mulder nervously turned his head towards the other wall. Scully sensed he wasn't done with his story, so she encouraged him to continue. "What happened?"

"I, um," he looked at the window, as if he was planning to use it for an emergency exit. "I've said another woman's name. Your name."

"That's bad," Scully agreed, still showing no judgement. "Is that what you are apologizing for?"

"No… Should I?"

"Of course not! We spend so much time together that it's only natural to make a mistake like that. I recently accidentally called my brother 'Mulder' and he almost denounced me."

"Yeah," he finally managed to look at her direction, but still avoiding her eyes. It was still too much, so he shifted his gaze to the baby. "But it wasn't a mistake. I was… calling for you. Not in… passion. It was a call for help."

Scully couldn't suppress a smile. It was so sad, but sweet at the same time. "Don't ever apologize for asking for my help."

"That's not what I'm…" Mulder sighed with frustration. "I made it all about me! You just got pregnant, another life was growing inside of you, and all I could think about was me and my… problem."

"But it didn't solve your… problem, did it?"

"No…"

"Did she get mad?"

"No, the opposite, actually. She asked me who Scully was…"

"And what did you answer?" Scully asked since it seemed like Mulder forgot to continue, lost in thoughts.

"I've told her you are my partner and she became very kind and… understanding."

"Really?" Scully was finding that hard to believe.

"Yeah," Mulder confirmed. "She tried to assure me that there was nothing wrong with me and started encouraging me to, um, come out of the closet."

"To… what?!"

"She assumed you were a man and I couldn't convince her otherwise."

"A man?" Scully raised her eyebrow. She pictured a woman, a young and attractive one, lying half-naked in Mulder's bed… And him, calling out a name of his, apparently _male_, partner in the heat of the moment. Scully cringed at the thought, but it also made her giggle. She couldn't help it, even though laughing was painful.

Mulder chuckled as well, realizing the humor in the awkward and embarrassing situation. But then the tears came and he closed his eyes in an effort to stop them.

"I'm trying to say…" he tried to say.

"I know what you're trying to say," Scully said. "But now you know the reason of your fear. You can work on it, get help, talk to a professional…"

"I can't…" Mulder looked at the floor, "…talk about this. I don't… want help."

"Not even if it includes drilling your head?" Scully asked teasingly, trying to lighten the mood.

Mulder chuckled, but didn't answer.

"Not even mine?" she asked seriously.

He finally looked at her, showing her all the depth of his pain in his eyes. He was like an open book, a tragic and sad book, yet captivating, the book that makes you cry your heart out, but you can't put it down and you never want it to end. Scully wanted to pull him close, kiss his forehead and wipe his tears, hold him tightly enough to feel his heartbeats…

But she couldn't get up and go to him, and he still wasn't ready to come to her.

"I almost did it," he said. "Once. But only because she was a vampire and I thought she wanted to drink my blood. I was in a very bad place and being seduced by a vampire fit perfectly in my self-destructive mood. When I realized that she wasn't hungry… I freaked out and it didn't happen…"

"A vampire?" Scully raised her eyebrow. Just when she thought he couldn't surprise her anymore…

"I had proof," Mulder insisted. "But she got blown up and I was left with nothing."

"Well," Scully didn't have the strength to try to explain to him that vampires don't exist so she just went along with it. "I'm sure there's someone out there for you. One day you'll find yourself a lovely lady with grey skin and green blood who will make you happy."

"I think I already found her," Mulder said, looking at the baby. "Can I hold her?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

Finally, with his heart and soul a little lighter, Mulder was ready to meet the new woman in his life. She was so light, tiny and perfect. One of the very few things Mulder didn't believe in was love at the first sight, Scully's baby proved him wrong.

_His_ baby as well, he reminded himself. It was a moment that made all his suffering worth it in the end.

"Does she have a name yet?" he asked Scully.

"Elizabeth," Scully said. "After your mother."

Mulder looked at the child, trying to associate her with the name.

"Well, hello, Betty," he smiled.

Not _Teena_, Scully noticed. She didn't say anything, but she loved his choice of a nickname.

"Elizabeth Thelma," she announced proudly. "After my grandmother."

"E. T. Scully," Mulder smiled teasingly. "How appropriate."

"Well," Scully smiled. "I was leaning more towards E. T. Mulder."

"Oh no," Mulder shook his head playfully. "I want those initials next you _your_ name."

Scully chuckled, but then got serious again.

"I've always been daddy's girl," she said. "Every little girl should be. I wouldn't have wanted to grow up with any other name than my father's. I want the same for her. Unless… You don't want to give it to her."

"Of course I do," Mulder couldn't have agreed faster. "I'm honored and I appreciate the offer, but… It's not exactly fair, Scully. Your mother had your father's name, too. You grew up with the name of the woman who gave birth to you and raised you. I want the same for Betty."

"Mulder, I'm not taking your name."

"Then I guess I'm taking yours."

He wasn't even joking. The name of the father who wasn't even his real father didn't mean much to him.

"Fine," Scully sighed. "How about Scully Mulder, then?"

"Sounds like a fair compromise," Mulder agreed.

"Yeah," Scully smiled. "It does."

Betty started to whimper in complaint, but nobody asked her what name she wanted to get.

"You know," Mulder said out of nowhere. "I'm kind of glad she wasn't a boy, like we expected."

"Why?" Scully asked.

"I don't think I could handle another William Mulder," he explained. "Or another William Scully, for that matter."

"What makes you so sure I would've called him William?" Scully was amused. She never chose the name for the boy, not daring to fully believe in the miracle that was growing inside of her. She was too busy making sure nothing was wrong with him.

"Wouldn't you, though?" Mulder assumed.

"No…" Scully shook her head. "I don't think so."


	9. Chapter 9

"You have to be strong, Fox," his mom told him, wiping the tears from his cheeks. "You are a big boy now and big boys don't cry."

She was acting tough, but her eyes were red and swollen, and the slight shake in her voice scared him.

"I want to go home," he pleaded through the sobs.

"Soon, darling, soon," she promised, just like the last time she came to see him. Which was a long time ago.

She kissed him on the forehead and stood to leave, but he grabbed her leg and started to scream.

"Enough," she said quietly, lowering down to his level again. She hugged him tightly and whispered to his ear. "Our time is up and if I don't leave now they won't let me come again. It's their rules, darling. You don't know what I had to do to be allowed to see you… I'm going to get you back, I promise, but you have to give me more time. You have to be brave, Fox."

"Mommy, I can't!" he wasn't letting go of her. "It hurts too much!"

"What hurts, darling?"

Reluctantly, he moved one hand from her neck and placed it on his butt. He felt his mom stiffen so suddenly and completely that he stopped crying and didn't dare to move anymore.

"Let me see," she asked after a few moments of silence. He moved his hand and let her pull down his pants. She gasped and quickly pulled them back up. He assumed she saw the blood and worried that it might make her mad at him.

"I'm sorry, mommy," he said.

She didn't answer. She picked him up and rushed out of the room. The men came and stopped her and she yelled at them hysterically, not letting anybody take him from her.

He didn't cry anymore. He buried his head in his mother's chest and tried to shut out the noise and commotion around them. Then The Smoking Man came - he recognized him by the cigarette smell – and the other men left. It was quiet now, but it only made everything feel scarier.

"I'm not leaving without him!" his mom demanded.

"You know I can't allow that," The Smoking Man's voice was calm and determined.

"You don't know what you're doing," his mom warned.

"Oh, I know what I'm doing. And you know as well. The whole future of the humankind depends on our project."

"What project?! You aren't testing the vaccine, you are… My god, you people are sick!"

"Am I now?" The Smoking Man wasn't amused.

"You don't know what you're doing," she repeated. "Fox is… He isn't Bill's son! I didn't want anybody to know, least of all you, but he isn't Bill's! He is… You are doing it to your own son."

"Clever. But we both know the math doesn't add up."

"Have you ever done the math? Have you? Because I've done it thousands time and ever since I found out I was pregnant, I feared you would too."

"Why tell me now, then?"

"Because you've gone too far. I can't let you do this to him."

"Everybody had to make a sacrifice, you know this."

"But this isn't Bill's sacrifice! This isn't his son! Let him go and take me instead. Take _me_, Bill's wife, like you took yours. It's only fair."

"I've _had_ you. I'm done with you. You are of no use to me."

"He's too small… for your… _use_. You are going to kill him!" she was crying now and it scared him. His mother was the strongest woman in the world and he never saw her cry before.

The Smoking Man didn't say anything. He kept smoking while she kept crying for what felt like forever.

"I'll let you take the boy," he finally said. "For now. If what you're saying is true, I'll protect him, make sure he stays out of this. But nobody will hear about any of this. You make sure the kid stays quiet or you'll never see him again. And Bill Mulder will have to pay, like everybody else. He won't get a free pass."

"I understand. I'm willing to sacrifice myself, in place of my son."

"We'll see about that…"

Mulder awoke all wet from sweat and urine.

_Great_, he thought bitterly, _controlling my bladder is apparently the ability lost for good_.

He went to the shower, but the warm water on his skin did nothing to help him feel cleaner. He tried switching to cold, then to overly hot, but he was hardly able to feel the difference. His mind was too busy tormenting him with memories to pay attention to bodily sensations.

_Maybe it didn't really happen_, he thought hopefully. _Maybe it's just my brain playing tricks on me, like it did with my 'memory' of Samantha's abduction._

_Maybe it was just a dream._

He knew it was a BS, though. He knew it because it wasn't just one isolated memory, he also remembered the time after his return. His mother never mentioned the torment he'd been through, and she never let him talk about it either. Whenever he expressed pain or fear, she assured him that it never happened and that it wasn't acceptable to make up disturbing stories like that. She wasn't letting him out of her sight for a long while, shutting down his every effort of expressing himself so completely and effectively that in the end he not only truly believed it never happened, but he didn't even remember "making it up".

She saved his life, unknowingly sacrificing the life of a daughter she hadn't yet known she was carrying.

Samantha.

"Samantha!" he screamed, the sharp pain running through his soul. "Samantha! Noooo! Samantha!"

He slumped to the bottom of tub sobbing so hard that he had trouble breathing. He started to scratch his arms in an effort to break the vein, to let the pain out. It didn't work, his nails were clipped too short, because of the baby.

_The baby_.

Another desperate scream erupted from his lungs.

"Betty!"

Scully opened the door the second before Mulder tore it down.

"It's late," she said, clearly displeased. "What are you doing?"

"Why aren't you opening?" Mulder was frantic. "Where is she?"

"Betty?" Scully yawned. "She's sleeping, so please be quiet. I was sleeping too. Where is your key?"

"My key?" he glanced at her as if she was the one acting crazy. "Where is my _daughter_?"

He rushed by Scully before she could answer and a second later the baby started to cry.

"Get used to it, Betty," Scully sighed to herself. "Your father never sleeps and won't let you, either."

She went to the baby's room and found Mulder holding Betty as if she was his hostage. The baby's distress made Scully mad and she tried to take her from Mulder.

"What are you doing? You are scaring her. Give her to me."

But he wouldn't. Not for all the world, he wasn't letting go of her.

"I won't let anyone hurt her!" he said, clearly upset.

"I won't either," Scully tried to stay calm. "I'm her mother."

She reached slowly towards him, but he took a step back.

"Don't," he begged, crying now. "Don't take her away from me."

"I won't," she said, slowly approaching him. He kept retrieving until he reached a wall and, having nowhere else to hide, he slid down on the floor. Scully followed.

"Don't take her from me," Mulder repeated through sobs.

"I won't," Scully assured him, and she didn't. She just stroked Betty with one hand, and pulled Mulder close with the other.

"It's ok, I'm here," she said to both of them, holding them both. "Shhh… It's all right… I'm here…"

Betty was the first one to stop crying. Mulder kept soaking Scully's pajama top for a while, shaking like a leaf on the wind in her embrace. She almost fell asleep from exhaustion, but didn't rush him, giving him all the time in the world.

Only when his sobs slowed down she tried talking to him again.

"Mulder, what happened?" she asked gently.

"I keep forgetting, Scully," he said apologetically.

"Forgetting what?"

"That my mother killed herself. How much… How much it affected me."

His answer made the blood in her veins freeze. He was in a dark, dark place and she had to get him out of there. She had no idea how to do that, but she was determined and willing to shoot him and drag him to safety, if that's what it took to save him from himself.

It wouldn't be the first time.

"Give me the baby," she said calmly, even though her heart was breaking.

"No," he pleaded. "Don't take her from me."

"Mulder, she's not going anywhere," Scully assured him. "I'll just put her in the crib to sleep, and you and I can talk, ok?"

"I don't want to talk," there was a fear in his voice.

"Ok," Scully accepted. "Then we'll just… have a cup of tea. Let her have her rest, ok?"

Mulder didn't respond. He just pulled Betty closer. He wasn't ready.

He stopped crying, though, so Scully felt at ease about leaving them alone.

"I'll start the tea," she said simply, giving Mulder time to come to his senses.

She waited for him on the living-room couch and, despite her doubts, he joined her before the tea went cold. She pushed one mug in his direction.

"Take the bed," she said. "I'll sleep on the couch."

"I can't stay," Mulder shook his head.

"I'm not offering you a choice here," Scully was firm.

Mulder chuckled. "Then I guess you're going to be writing AMA on my file."

"Mulder," Scully sighed. "You need help."

"Right. I'm sure you can refer me to a few excellent therapists who specialize in alien conspiracies."

"I am not worried about the supernatural aspects of your suffering…"

Mulder sighed. "So you just think some shrink has the power to make a real man out of me?"

It was dark, and so late that it was becoming early. They were both tired, scared and they had a mutual baby sleep in the other room. Neither of them had the energy to argue, they were simply trying to survive.

"Being a virgin doesn't make you any less of a man," Scully said, as if she had hope he would believe her.

"Is that what you think I am? A virgin?" He didn't like that word. He didn't think he deserved it anymore. Being a virgin in his forties used to make him feel like a loser, yet now he wished he could go back to being _only_ that.

"Abuse doesn't count," Scully said softly. She placed her hand over his. He was cold, colder than her, and that never happened.

Unless he was in a shock.

"A wise man once said, if you are going through hell, keep going," she continued, encouraged that he didn't pull away. "There is a way out of this and we're going to find it together. Like we always do."

"You are not my partner anymore," he reminded her bitterly, retrieving his hand.

"I'm still your friend. And the mother of your child. I'm not going to let you disappear for another three months or maybe forever this time. If you walk out of this door now, I'll follow you."

"With Betty? You can't."

"I am not pregnant anymore. Betty can be perfectly safe without me now."

Mulder buried his head in his hands. He knew Scully meant every word, he knew she would find him anywhere, even without FBI's resources. Besides, he didn't want to go anywhere. He wanted to be close to Betty, making sure she was happy and safe. There was still one problem though.

He leaned towards Scully, to whisper in her ear conspiratorially. It was mostly so he wouldn't have to look her in the eyes while telling her. "It might have been a one time thing, or maybe I've regressed too far, but, um, I don't want to mess up your bed like I did mine."

He leaned back on the couch, waiting for her to send him to sleep in a tub.

"What are you trying to say?" Scully was confused. "Mulder, did you wet your bed in your sleep?"

"Do you think Betty would mind sharing a few diapers?" he tried to joke, wondering why she had to be so damn blunt.

Scully chuckled and leaned down to whisper back at him. "As you know, I had a difficult time giving birth. My… certain organs refused to co-operate for a while. It's better now, but my bed is still fully protected. Just in case."

He chuckled at her admission. Her warmth made him feel at ease, her presence made his demons smaller, almost manageable. He nodded, watching her face lighting up with the first morning rays.


	10. Chapter 10

Days became weeks and Mulder was still staying with Scully. Her concern for him was only growing and she couldn't let him out of her sight.

There were bad days, and then there were _bad_ days.

Mulder cried more often and longer than Betty did. Yet those were the silent tears and Scully often learned about them by finding a wet pillow or turning towards Mulder casually while watching a movie or doing a house chore.

She made sure he was fed, clean and warm, just like she did for Betty. She didn't know what else to do.

Mulder kept refusing therapy. He never openly said no to any of her recommendations, but Scully could see the fear form in his eyes. He would shrink into himself, seemingly becoming a little smaller in front of her eyes.

Those were the hard days, but in their minds turned into best memories. They were watching their child, a little miracle, grow and discover their world.

Betty's smile had the power to make everything feel perfect, if only for a moment, filling them up with strength for whatever was to come. She was the reason Mulder got out of bed at all.

Mulder and Betty truly had a calming effect on each other. With time, Scully realized that if one of them was crying, the best way to console them was to put them in each other's arms.

"Come on, Betty," she said one evening when Mulder was finally sleeping. "Shh… Don't wake your father, he needs rest."

The child in her arms started to cry louder. She was fed and all her needs were met. Scully had no idea what was wrong. She even tried singing to her, but that only made things worse.

"You really want your dad, don't you?" she finally sighed, taking the screaming baby to the bedroom.

Mulder was sleeping on his side, and he didn't wake when Scully put Betty next to him. He merely shifted and Scully placed his hand on the baby's tummy, which produced a happy, quiet baby.

There was enough room left on the bed, so Scully lied down too, keeping the baby secured between her and Mulder. She watched them, amazed with their bond. It was too precious to even be jealous of.

It reminded her of the bond she shared with her own father.

"I have my own Starbuck now," she whispered with a smile, thinking of her Ahab.

"We are not calling her that," Mulder murmured in response.

"You're awake," Scully noticed.

"I'm always awake," he opened his eyes and smiled. He started to stroke Betty's tummy, lulling her to sleep.

"You really should try pills," Scully offered in vain. Mulder was in a phase of refusing any medication, afraid they would somehow make him forget what happened to him, all over again. While Scully felt that wouldn't be a bad thing, and knew that it was impossible for sleeping pills to have such an effect, Mulder was adamant to live with the truth.

"I don't think I'm dreaming," he said after a pause, closing his eyes again. It was easier for him to talk that way, like a little child who thinks nobody can see him if he can't see anybody. "The memories… They come when I'm half-awake. They make so much sense, Scully, but how do I know they are real? How do I know I haven't made everything up, like I had done with Samantha's abduction?"

Scully didn't answer. She could only suggest a therapy, but it would be in vain to mention that. Besides, Mulder had done lots of therapy in regards to Samantha, some of them very questionable, some plainly insane, but some were perfectly rational and traditional. Yet, none of them brought him to the truth.

"What if…" he continued hopefully. "What if it never really happened?"

"We have the files, Mulder," Scully reminded him. "It happened."

"Yeah," he agreed, turning onto his back. He stared at the ceiling. "Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Why do you put up with me? Why am I here? Why are _you_ still here?"

Scully sighed and turned towards ceiling as well. A strange déjà vu feeling overcame her. For a split second, she was sure she remembered lying on Mulder's bed with him, just like this, watching them both on the ceiling mirror.

But that was insane. It never happened. She never saw a mirror on the ceiling and it didn't make sense to put it there. Maybe she was too tired, or perhaps Mulder's ability to create false memories somehow became contagious…

"This is where I want to be," she finally said. "Plus, my little Starbuck is refusing sleep without her giant teddy bear…"

"A giant…?" he turned back towards her. "Starbuck?"

"Mhm," Scully turned as well, grinning playfully. "Starbuck Jones."

"Jones?" Mulder's eyebrows rose in confusion, even more when Scully started to blush.

"I used to write it all over my notebooks," she explained. "He was my very first love interest and I had big plans for our life."

"Did he know?"

"No. It never happened. We moved before I gained the courage to tell him."

Betty opened her eyes and looked around, trying to decide whether to smile or cry.

"Go to sleep my little Starbuck Mulder," Mulder whispered to her in a lulling voice and she decided to go with a smile.

"See," Scully smiled as well. "You like the nickname."

"Nope," Mulder denied. "I was giving it a fair chance. It lost."

"We'll see about that," Scully gave up. For now.

"I'll take her to her bed," Mulder said. He picked up the baby, who fell asleep again as soon as she touched his chest.

_Lucky girl_, Scully thought to herself. She liked to be held just like that, by the same man.

Mulder was a really good father, willing to do everything for his little girl. Everything but one thing. He never changed a diaper.

Scully didn't mind having the diaper duty, but it started to annoy her when she realized Mulder was unwilling to do it even when she was away. He would just leave the baby unattended until Scully returned home, which Scully suspected might have been hours in some occasions.

That wasn't ok.

Mulder's excuses ranged from _I haven't noticed _to_ I was just about to_, and Scully believed him at first, until the day she just had enough.

One day, after her therapy session, Scully came home to a screaming baby whose diaper might have become radioactive at that point.

"It's ok, mommy is here," Mulder tried to hand her the baby, but Scully took a step back.

"I don't know what's wrong with her," he said sheepishly.

"She needs her diaper changed, Mulder," Scully said coldly, taking another step back. She wasn't going to let him off the hook, not this time.

"Can you do it?" Mulder seemed desperate to hand her the baby, but Scully wasn't having it.

"No. I want to see you do it."

"I really need to use the bathroom, Scully."

"She needs it more, from what I'm seeing."

They took a staring contest, neither of them willing to compromise. Betty started to scream louder, feeling more and more uncomfortable.

Finally, without a word, Mulder turned and took Betty to her room. Scully followed them, but Mulder didn't go to the changing table, instead he placed Betty in the crib and walked away.

"Oh no, you don't!" Scully followed him, royally pissed.

"I need to use the restroom," he said, closing the bathroom door in her face.

Scully crossed her arms and waited. Betty's cries for help were breaking her heart, but she was doing it for her. If she changes the diaper now, Mulder would win. Betty would be clean sooner, but she would keep getting in the same situation whenever she was left alone with Mulder. Scully was determined to put a stop to it, today.

She waited, but no sound came from the bathroom. No running water, no flushing… Mulder was in there for more than necessary, and he didn't seem to be doing anything. Except hiding.

"Mulder!" she started to bang on the door, but there was no answer. "You better come out or I swear I'm gonna break this door!"

She tried the knob, and to her surprise it wasn't locked. Mulder was standing at the sink, openly crying.

"What the hell is going on?" Scully couldn't understand. He was an FBI agent, he couldn't possibly be this scared of a dirty diaper.

"I can't," was all he said. "I can't."

"Mulder, I've seen you touch way grosser stuff than a baby's poop."

"It's not that, Scully."

"Then what is it? What is going on? You're just going to let her cry, rather than dirty your hands? Is that it? I can't always be around to do it for you. She needs you, Mulder!"

"You are here now, Scully," he pleaded. "I don't want to fight. Please."

"She's your daughter too," Scully tried to stay calm, but she was losing patience. Betty's cries were driving her crazy. "This is your responsibility too."

"I. Don't. Want. To hurt. Her," he said through his teeth, clutching the sink with both fists.

"She isn't made of glass, Mulder," Scully said, completely missing his point. She turned around, retrieving for now. Mulder could wait, Betty couldn't, but after she's changed he would hear more from Scully, she promised herself.

"Do you know how many child molesters were abused when _they_ were children?" Mulder's voice, suddenly cold, stopped her.

"What?" she turned back towards him and he bravely met her eyes with a stubborn determination.

"I am a profiler," he continued. "A good one. I can't ignore years of training and first hand experiences. I won't."

His voice was so hard and self-accusating that Scully had to take a moment to escape it. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm her suddenly shaky body. Did he really just say he was capable of molesting his own daughter? _Her_ own daughter!

Unable to face him, she turned again to go to Betty, but the sudden rage erupted from her in the hallway and before she knew what she was doing, she was holding her gun, marching back to the bathroom and pointing it at Mulder. He instinctively raised his hands and took a step back.

"Scully, what are you doing?" he asked slowly in his hostage-saving, negotiating voice.

"I am a mother," Scully said calmly, but deadly. "Protecting her child."

"Put the gun down," Mulder tried to reason with her, but she wasn't having it.

"Go change the damn diaper!" she now screamed in a fierce rage of a hormonal post-partum mamma bear whose baby's father had just been accused of being capable of unspeakable monstrosities.

"Scully," Mulder tried again. "Give me the gun."

"Change the diaper!" she ordered, waving the gun. "And if you try anything, _anything_ with my baby… I swear to god, Mulder it will be the last thing you ever did!"

"Scully…"

"Damn it, Mulder! I've shot you for less!"

She took a few steps away from the bathroom door to give him space to get out, then motioned with the gun in the direction she wanted him to go. Mulder hesitated for a second, but then did what she told him to. He walked backwards, keeping his eyes locked with hers and making sure his body stayed between the gun and the baby at all times. Not that he needed to, as Scully maneuvered her moves very carefully so that at no point gun would be pointed towards the baby.

She parked herself across the changing table, holding the gun pointed at Mulder's shoulder. Without a word, he picked the baby from the crib and placed her on the table. Betty smiled at him, then resumed crying. He wanted to cry with her when he unwrapped the diaper, faced with it's impressively uncomfortable content that he made her endure for way longer then necessary.

"I'm sorry, baby," he whispered while cleaning her up, for a moment forgetting about the gun at his shoulder. He carefully wiped her clean, put the cream on her soft skin and dressed her in a clean diaper. He'd never done it before, he hadn't even watched Scully do it, but all the equipment was arranged in such a logical and practical way that he almost instinctively guessed each step of the process.

Betty rewarded him with a huge smile, and after snuggling her a bit with his back turned to Scully, Mulder finally placed her in the crib and turned towards her mother.

"Give me the gun," he said firmly, slowly approaching her.

Scully's eyes filled with unshed tears. She let him come close and obediently placed the gun in his hand.

"It's unloaded," she gasped.

Mulder opened the gun to check her claim, then put it in his pocket. "I don't want guns around her. Ever again."

"I need to be able to protect her," Scully explained, hating how apologetic her voice sounded. Mulder just shook his head, so she went on. "I'm an… I _was_ an FBI Agent. I'm trained for this. You of all people know how many individuals broke into my place, how many times I was a target. I can't risk-"

She didn't get to finish the sentence as Mulder suddenly grabbed her head and kissed her, so fiercely and desperately as if his life depended on it. Before she realized what was happening, he pushed her against the wall, pressing her body with his. His grip was hard, his tongue was hard, his… _other_ gun was hard.

It ended as quickly as it started. Mulder abruptly pulled away, staring at Scully while she was catching her breath.

"You see," he said, suddenly sounding defeated. "I'm too damaged to be a father."

Scully wished she had another gun to pull on him.

"Mulder," she said slowly. "What I just saw was a grown man aroused by a grown woman with a gun, not an infant. There's nothing pathological about that. Well, maybe the gun part is a little worrying, but other than that…"

They both nervously chuckled, then just stood there, processing the events of the last half an hour or less.

Mulder felt the weight being lifted off his shoulders. His worst fears didn't come true. He wasn't even aware of those dreads until Scully confronted him, forced him to face them. Some molested children grew up to become just like their abuser. He just happened not to be one of them.

He happened to become a father. As weird and as impossible as it sounded, he was a father to a perfect little baby girl. After finally changing her diaper for the first time, he knew there was nothing he couldn't do for her. He was capable of giving her everything his parents gave him, and so much more that they couldn't. Uncovering alien conspiracies, solving the X-Files, defeating consortium… It wasn't for Samantha, like he used to passionately believe for years. It wasn't even for finding the truth about what was done to him.

It was for Betty. It was about making the world a safer place for his child.

It was all for Betty.

"Mulder," Scully's voice made him come back from the depth of his thoughts, into his body, where he realized the tears were washing his face. He shook his head, but then he nodded, looking at the woman whose lips he could still taste on his own. She tasted like a fresh start and new possibilities. She tasted like healing. Well, she was a doctor after all.

There was so much he wanted to tell her, the years of partnership, of friendship, chasing monsters, late night talks, stakeouts, protecting each other with their lives, fighting for the truth and justice no matter the cost…

So many losses. So many victories. Million little things.

It all fit into two simple words.

"Help me."

A huge smile lighted Scully's face, because she could see the shift in him, a glimpse of the old Mulder, and a glimpse of the new one. He made a huge leap forward and she was there to catch him on the other side.

She cried with him as he slid into her embrace, wrapping himself around her, holding onto the only one he could completely and unconditionally trust.

It was the closest thing he ever experienced to making love.


	11. Chapter 11

The man on the television reminded him of his father. He wasn't sure why as it was a young, vibrant activist that had no resemblance whatsoever to late Mr. Mulder.

Maybe it was the sound of his voice, the way his nostrils moved under the sun, or the unusual, yet hardly detectable, hand gesture. Perhaps it was something in the background, completely unrelated to him.

Mulder didn't know. His subconscious knew though, and it catapulted his senses back through time so violently that it kicked the breath out of his lungs. For a split second, he was unable to breathe, and it felt like a lifetime.

Again.

The next thing he knew, he was sitting on the couch and shaking under the little body tightly wrapped around him. His arms went around her as he held for dear life, giving in to the ocean of tears.

"It's ok," a soft voice whispered into his ear, pulling him back to the safety.

Mulder reminded himself that he was an adult. That his father was dead, along with the rest of the consortium. That he won, years ago.

Even if Samantha never did…

"Mulder?" Scully was suddenly crouching in front of him. He didn't hear her come in. He didn't expect her. She was supposed to be in the hospital, working a double-shift. Betty was supposed to be staying with him for the night.

As he kept reminding himself of the present moment, Scully wiped the sweat from his forehead, unwrapped the child from his arms and offered him a tissue.

"You always tell me to call you if…" Betty sounded apologetic.

"I know," Scully assured her. "You did the right thing."

The bright smile of an eight year old lit up the whole room. She felt proud of herself for knowing exactly how to handle a crisis. Her father's flashbacks didn't happen often, but she witnessed enough of them to know what to expect. It never happened when she was alone with him before, and handling it just as effectively as she always saw her mom do made her feel like an adult. Proud an invincible.

She took the glass of water that she'd prepared and placed on the coffee-table before hugging her dad, and offered it to him now.

"Thank you," Mulder said and forced himself to drink some, for her sake.

"Can I go to my room now?" she switched her gaze from one parent to the other, seeking permission. Her father was better, her work seemed to have been done, but she wanted to be sure.

Scully stroked her cheek and kissed her on the forehead. "Of course. You did a good job."

"Call me if you need anything," she offered cheerfully, causing both of her parents to chuckle. Then she stormed to her room, right to her closet, looking for a dry shirt to change into. The current one was bathed in tears, which was a perfect excuse to raid her wardrobe. Changing clothes was one of her favorite activities, and she imagined herself as a fashion designer one day.

"May I?" Scully motioned and Mulder moved to make a space for her on the couch. She slumped next to him with a loud sigh.

"Rough day?" he asked empathetically.

"Yeah," Scully kicked off her shoes and raised her legs onto Mulder's lap. She closed her eyes for a second, reveling in the moment of relaxation as she adjusted her position on the couch. "But all the patients are holding on for now."

"I'm fine," Mulder said, reluctantly. He started to massage her feet. "You can go back if you need to."

"And miss this?" she moaned, making him chuckle. He started to relax as well. Having something to do with his hands helped to calm him further.

They enjoyed a few moments of silence, until Betty interrupted them with a loud music.

"Turn it down!" Mulder yelled, and the music immediately went down to an acceptable level. It was soon followed by a squeaky voice of a kid who wasn't destined to become a singer.

"That's my girl," Scully said, feeling a strange pride in the fact that her daughter couldn't sing.

"Hey," her eyes focused on Mulder. She waited until he was ready to acknowledge her and turn his gaze into her direction before speaking again. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head no, but said anyway. "I wonder if he knew, Scully."

"Knew what? Who?"

"That he wasn't really my father."

Scully didn't respond. There wasn't anything she could say to give him any kind of answer. She knew those memories were the hardest for Mulder. It happened in his own home, his own bed, with his own father… Just a few times, Mulder had said. Just for a short time. And his father never actually touched him. He only touched himself. Mulder was always still and quiet, pretending to be asleep.

It was his father. Even if not by blood, it was still the man that raised him.

Maybe it wasn't such a rare occasion. Maybe Mulder was actually sleeping during other times when his father wanted to relieve himself in the presence of a young body. Maybe it was the reason why Mulder lost the ability to sleep soundly…

"I wonder if he did it to Samantha," Mulder admitted to Scully's feet.

"Mulder…" Scully's voice was full of sadness, but she didn't know what else to say. She knew him well enough to understand that he would never fully recover, that his soul would always bear ugly scars. There was no reason to hope that Samantha had it better in her short life. Her diary alone was the undeniable proof that she didn't. Saying that she was now in a better place weren't the words of much comfort to either of them.

Scully's phone suddenly rang, cutting her massage short. She went to her coat to retrieve it, but instead of answering, she muted it and placed it on the coffee table, sitting back down.

"Dave?" Mulder asked and she nodded.

"I don't need to answer that," she sounded annoyed.

"Maybe you should give him a chance," Mulder suggested.

"I see him at work all the time," Scully said. "I have a daughter who I want to spend my free time with. I don't have time to date."

"Your daughter also has a father who is more than willing to watch her, after she goes to sleep exhausted from all the quality time spent with her mother, leaving you plenty of time for a romantic evening with a colleague," Mulder countered.

"Every time I dated a colleague it ended up with a disaster," Scully insisted.

"As opposed to you dating tattooed strangers from Philadelphia…"

Scully thought for a second. "Dave has a tattoo."

"See?" Mulder winked. "He's your type."

"Why are you so interested in seeing me with him?" Scully looked at him curiously.

"It doesn't have to be him," Mulder's tone went from teasing to serious. "It's just been a long time for you. I don't want you to feel held back by Betty… Or me."

"You?" Scully raised her eyebrow. This conversation asked for a beer. Mulder must have had some in his fridge, but she had to go back to work so it wasn't a good idea to ask.

"You've been there for me for more than I ever asked. I just want to see you happy."

"I _am_ happy," Scully's eyes filled with tears. Why couldn't he see that she had everything she wanted? What did she ever do to make him feel like a burden? She was exactly where she wanted to be. Even having Betty was all her idea.

"When was the last time _you_ went on a date?" she tried to change the subject.

"I don't date," Mulder said with a mixture of sadness and annoyance. "You know that."

"Neither do I," Scully said quickly, as though she had the answer ready. But she didn't. It surprised her, as she never really thought about it, but it rang true on all levels.

"You used to…"

"I did," she agreed, not offering any explanation. Mulder didn't need her to, since he already knew why.

"Before you met me."

Scully sighed. It sounded so wrong when he said it, but it didn't _feel_ wrong and she tried to find the words to express it.

"Yes," she admitted. "It was before I've met you. But it wasn't your fault that I've stopped. I just… I lost interest in all that. Our work, Mulder, even our friendship if I dare to say, was more interesting, challenging and satisfying than playing seducing games… I stopped dating because I had so many better things to do with my life."

Mulder looked at her intensely. He knew she meant every word, and he felt exactly the same. But she wasn't damaged, not in the way he was, and he didn't want her to follow his footsteps in leading a lonely life. Not if she had other options.

"Don't you have needs, Scully?" he tried with teasing.

Scully chuckled and looked at the floor, embarrassed but amused at the same time.

"Needs…" she blushed. "…can be met in different ways, which, as I recall, was your area of expertise."

It was Mulder's time to blush, but he didn't back away. "I'd pay to see that," he said boldly.

"How much?" Scully smiled with innuendo. Two people could play that game.

Mulder grinned playfully, then leaned to speak softly into her ear. "As much as it takes. I am a wealthy man."

"Who doesn't even have a bedroom," Scully wasn't impressed.

"Only because I gave it to my daughter."

"You painted your walls purple."

"Betty's favorite color," Mulder shrugged.

"Even your couch is now purple!"

"Betty again," Mulder shrugged for a second time.

"You live in a princess castle, Mulder," Scully teased him.

"Jealous?" he smirked.

"Just… amused."

"It makes her happy, and I'm color-blind. It's a win-win."

"But I'm not."

"That gets you in lot of trouble, as I recall," Mulder kept teasing. "On the bright side, you get to enjoy all the _purple-ness_ that I'm deprived of."

Scully's phone started vibrating on the table. She took a glance of it, but didn't pick it up.

"Dave again?" Mulder guessed.

"Dave indeed," Scully sighed. "He wants to keep track of me at all times. He's worse than my mother."

"You should give him a chance."

"No."

"Just once."

"Drop it, Mulder," she stood up and picked the phone, getting her coat. "I need to go back to work. Will you be ok? I can call mom if…"

"I'm fine," Mulder assured her with a kiss on the cheek. "Say bye to our purple lady, don't worry about me."

Scully knocked on the bedroom door before peeking inside. "I'm going back to work, darling."

"Ok, bye mom!" Betty didn't even turn around, preoccupied with her game.

"Can I have a kiss?" Scully wondered.

"Yeah," Betty agreed. She picked up her doll and went to press it on Scully's cheek.

"I meant from you," Scully clarified and Betty impatiently complied.

"I love you, mom, but I have to go change now, because my outfit doesn't match Emily's," she explained.

"I love you, too," Scully kissed her back, feeling a pang of pain. She couldn't get used to Betty's favorite doll being named Emily and every mention of that name filled her heart with sadness.

She had tried keeping Emily's memory to herself. Betty was already burdened with stories of Samantha, since Mulder wanted to keep his sister's legacy alive through her niece. Scully's mother made sure Betty knew all about Melissa and Ahab. Lost family members weren't a taboo for Betty, and no one was keeping Emily a secret. It's just that no one ever mentioned her to the child either.

Scully wasn't much of a talker. She preferred to keep her pain locked inside while keeping busy on the outside. She kept Emily's photo in the locked drawer, instead of the desk or wall. She didn't know how to bring up the subject, how to explain her suffering, her beauty, her innocence… her mere existence. The rest of the family just left it up to her, whenever she was ready.

The thing was, Scully never felt ready and Betty was growing up without knowing that she once, sort of, had a sister.

A few years ago, it all changed when Scully accidentally called her Emily.

"Who is Emily?" Betty had asked. Mulder tried to explain that Scully just made a mistake, but Scully became pale and went to her bedroom. Betty ran after her before Mulder could stop her. They've told her everything that day, trying to answer all the questions she had. And she had plenty. Betty had always dreamed about having a big sister, and once she learned that she really had one, she finally felt complete. She got her own photo of Emily, named her favorite doll after her and kept her alive in prayers and games.

It was the first time she'd seen her mother cry. Her father cried a little too, so she joined them, overcame with the loss of a sister she didn't know she had. When she prayed to God for a sister, this wasn't what she meant, but since God wasn't taking returns Betty decided a dead sister was better than none. Emily was more of a gift than a loss to her.

Scully went back to work, so Mulder sat down to try to write his book. It was a second part of the compilation of the most interesting, yet general public appropriate, cases from The X-Files. The first one was a success, but it was soon forgotten. Mulder's editor was still willing to publish a sequel, and Mulder was trying to write it, though his heart wasn't really in it anymore. He needed more excitement, more action, and he's been contemplating going back to work for a while now.

He wasn't fit to work after Betty was born and becoming a stay at home dad was a natural next step. Scully quickly found a job in the hospital and Mulder didn't want a stranger raising his baby. He would take Betty while Scully was at work, and spend most of his time with them even when she wasn't. The only time he took for himself was for weekly therapy sessions.

His therapist's name was Roger Walker, whose specialty was helping people who were abducted, experimented on and probed by aliens. Scully had found him and, when all the reasonable options for getting Mulder to some kind of treatment had failed, introduced them to each other.

Walker was fascinated with Mulder's work. They've had so much in common, and after a while of exchanging notes, they formed a strong bond. Mulder agreed to a treatment that lasted for over four years. After that, they remained friends.

Except for occasional flashbacks, that still happened few times a year, Mulder eventually learned to leave the past behind. He cared for his daughter, watched her grow, but now, since Scully banned the idea of home-schooling, he was left with too much time on his hands. He was getting restless.

He didn't talk to Skinner for years. Last time they saw each other, Betty was two, and Mulder was at a point that his demand for justice outgrew his shame. The files he found on his last case, the pictures of him as a helpless little boy, the evidence of abuse, the terrible secrets… He wanted it on record. All of it. And there was only one person in the FBI who he could trust with it.

Scully wasn't as fond of the idea, but she went with him as she always did.

Skinner was surprised to see them, and the conversation was awkward at first. Then Mulder tossed the files on his desk and it became super mega awkward.

"What is this?" Skinner asked with annoyance, as he skimmed through the pages. "Where did you get this?"

"On our last case, sir," Scully said. Her voice had a hint of subtle sadness and grief, which didn't escape Skinner's attention. He paused for a brief moment and looked deep into her eyes, then he returned his gaze to the files, observing them in greater detail this time. He looked at the pictures, then he noticed a familiar name on one page.

"Jesus!" he now looked at Mulder. "What is this?"

Mulder just nodded, unable to speak.

"Jesus!" Skinner repeated. He flipped a few more pages, than closed the file, feeling slightly nauseated. He had to read it thoroughly, he had to know the details, but he wasn't ready.

"Do you…" he looked at Mulder, who was trying hard to endure the eye contact. "Do you remember this?"

"Some of it," Mulder nodded. "It came back to me when we found this."

"And before…?"

Mulder sighed and closed his eyes for a second, successfully blocking the tears. "I had no idea, sir."

"I'm sorry," Skinner took off his glasses and rubbed the base of his nose, trying to think faster. Or at all. "What do you need from me?"

"He just wants it on record," Scully answered, as Mulder seemed unable to.

"These people, these… projects," Skinner turned to her. "It's all gone. You two exposed everything."

"Except this," Scully motioned towards the file.

Skinner stood up and picked up the file. He walked up to Mulder and offered it to him. "Burn it. You don't want this on record."

"I do," Mulder insisted.

"There's nothing I can do with this. There's no one left to punish. It can only cause rumors if it gets into the wrong hands."

"Rumors," Mulder grinned, suddenly amused. "I forgot how much I used to worry about those."

"At least your irony is intact…"

"Is that a yes, sir?"

"I don't know, Mulder. Once I file it, you can't take it back. It stays on record forever. Is this what you want some young agent to dig up? It could be your daughter one day."

"I'll try to keep my daughter away from the career in the FBI. But I don't want to teach her victim shaming. If I get rid of this, they win. They wanted it hidden, so I want it exposed. I _need_ it exposed."

Skinner nodded and offered him a hand. After an awkward, but firm handshake, he asked if there was anything else he could do and to feel free to call if he thinks of something.

Mulder never took that offer. He never saw Skinner again. Skinner was a friend, but it was a work friendship. Without the X-files, their bond hibernated and their paths never crossed again.

Mulder still remembered his number, though. He picked up the phone and stared at it, contemplating dialing.

Then it started to ring.

"What's up, doc?" Mulder answered.

"I've decided to take your advice, Mulder."

"Oh? That's a first."

"I will go on a date."

"Good."

"There's one condition, though."

"What?"

"You have to take me to it."

"I don't think Dave will appreciate the third wheel, Scully."

"It doesn't matter. Dave isn't invited."


End file.
